Amira had her first dose of Lomustine (CCNU) on Friday 10/9, the same day she got her staples out. Up until that point, she had had a pretty rough recovery having had an adverse reaction to Tramdol but continuing to demonstrate signs of distress/anxiety/pain even after switching to the Gabapentin, especially at night. She would pant/breath heavily for hours from the late evening to the very early morning hours. She developed what we thought were seromas as there were two occasions where there was wetness around her incision which we though were spontaneous “bursting” of the seroma. We though perhaps it was the seromas that was causing her discomfort and thus the panting. Although she was eating, it certainly was not with much gusto and she refused some of her favorite things like apples. There were a couple of brief moments where we though ‘our baby is coming back’, but they seemed to disappear as quickly as they came…However, after she got her staples removed (and the surgeon said she didn’t have a seroma…), i stayed inside the clinic to wait for the results of her pre-chemo blood test while Amira and daddy waited in the back of the SUV in the parking lot. When i looked out to check on them, i saw “my Amira” hanging with her daddy, looking sharp and alert, watching folks and their pets coming’ and going. Folks stopped by to chat with daddy and Amira was Miss Friendly! “Happy” doesn’t begin to describe how i felt seeing her being herself again!
We gave her the Lomustine along with the Cerenia and Denamarin Friday early evening as instructed by the Oncologist. She had a pretty good night with only about a half hour of panting before she went to sleep!!!! Saturday was a great day for her – she actually responded to my call from the kitchen for her to have her dinner and even played a little tug of war with me! We were so happy that ‘our baby is back!’ Unfortunately, Sunday (day 2 post chemo) was not so good…Amira didn’t finish her breakfast and didn’t even have any interest in a big ol beef rib bone with plenty of meat on it. She seemed lethargic and tired. She wouldn’t eat her Honest Kitchen + chicken dinner but did eat straight up chicken breast and ground beef with nothing else mixed in. The panting started at about 10:30 and lasted to about midnight, then she slept. She’s continued to be like this now since Sunday and today, the panting/heavy breathing started in the late afternoon and has been on and off since. She continues to refuse to eat anything other than plain chicken breast and ground beef (although luckily her love of Brie cheese remains since i wrap all the pills in it) and still doesn’t drink much. I’ve been getting liquids into her by mixing it in with her food and every couple of hours coaxing her to drink chicken or beef stock (the water i cook the meat in) through her water bottle. I keep hoping that even though she’s picky, her willingness to eat the chicken and ground beef is a good sign although i worry about her not getting enough nutrients…It seems like Amira just keeps drawig the short straw and falls into the ‘exception rather than the rule’ with her amputation recovery challenges and now, with the chemo side effects; she’s gotten a double whammy that’s for sure!
It continues to break our hearts to see her like this. I realized yesterday that i have not seen her wag her tail since before this whole nightmare started on 9/18… i have not seen her ‘happy’ except those brief few hours between getting her staples out and starting the chemo and even then, she was not the same Amira PC (Pre-Cancer). People talk about how their dogs got their sparkle back after 2 weeks; we’re still waiting and hoping that Amira’s will return soon. Sometimes i think i see just sadness in her eyes and i wonder if she’s trying to tell me something. She’s been letting me hug and kiss her which she NEVER would have done before so i wonder more, ‘ is she trying to tell me something?’ I am having serious doubts as to whether we are doing the right thing since it seems we are only causing her more suffering. Is it worth it to make her go through the chemo side effects every 3 weeks? Assuming it takes her a week to get over the nausea and fatigue it causes, that means she gets to have 2 ‘good’ weeks before being subjected to another ‘hell week’…I told the oncologist we were going to make a liar of her when she said prognosis was 5 months even with the chemo. I’ve read several studies re: use of CCNU treatment on histiocystic sarcoma and one specifically re: periarticular hystiocystic sarcoma, which had mean survival times of 18 to 36 months respectively, if used in conjunction with surgical recision/amputation. I continue to pray that all her suffering will be worth it in the long run! In the meantime, each day i battle the doubts that are in the back of my mind, the terror that the cancer has spread every time i hear her panting and her nose running and the overwhelming sadness that is like a cloud that envelops me. I keep wondering “when will our lives return to ‘normal'” or will it ever???? We are scheduled to go to Europe for 3 weeks on Nov 10 but there is no way i can leave Amira for that long now. We were thinking that if she’s doing well in the next 2-3 weeks then maybe we will go, but only for 2 weeks… now i don’t know what to do as i would hate myself for leaving her ‘if something happened’ while we were away…I wonder if i will ever feel at ease leaving her behind if we go away on vacation…i wonder if i’ll ever stop crying